TamerTerra (tamerterra) wrote,

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Status of the human - ill, fevered insights

I still exist. Collapsed under the weight of held-back feelings and ill last night, but now mostly what I'm feeling is feverish and achy. Been drinking lots of redbush tea to sooth my throat and get fluids into me, and had a nap this afternoon pretty much immediately after me and Alex came back from a walk (while the world span around me, weee!) - walking (and eating lunch) was good, but also wore me out. I hadn't meant to have a nap then, but I sat on the bed and Alex brought me some more tea and I drank some of it and then I lay down and woke up a bit later with my dressing gown draped over my shoulders and my coat over my feet.

Alex is very sweet. And steadfast. I was feeling very 'all of my feelings have fallen out' after writing this morning, and wondered at him whether I should be in any relationships at all when I'm feeling like this and so hollow, and he just took my hand and held it and said that he was here for me.

The definitions of relationships matter a lot less when the people involved know why they're there, I guess. Also, 'relationship' doesn't have to mean 'romantic relationship', though those tend to be the complicated ones - I think that that might be by definition, seeing as romance tends to be the thing that leads people to move in together and try to build lives together. Friendship, romance, sex - you don't have to keep them separate, and you also don't have to put them all together, or even any two.

Oh. right.

I think I know what I want now, and what I want from who - for now. Relationships always shift and change, but of those three catagories, I think sex is the simplest - it's the only one that I've been able to add to a relationship and then remove later without anything changing in the long term. Most often I end up bundling romance with sex for reasons which I'm sure will be obvious to anyone I've been especially intimate with, but sex+friendship is also pretty damn nice - it's friendship, but you also know each other a little better because of what you've been up to with less clothes on. And I think romantic friendships are pretty awesome, too*, though I don't want to point anything out as an example right now - labelling that would be a bit crass, I think.

*so long as everyone involved is on the same page - I think a lot of teenaged angsty queer-girl/straight-girl one-sided 'relationships', including my own, started off as romantic friendships where only one half is gay enough to also want sex or kissing to be involved.

Actually, that just goes back to labeling in general - one labels to describe, not to pidgeonhole, but a lot of the time labeling gets misinterpreted (or correctly interpreted, urgh, humans) as an attempt to pidgeonhole. Humans like things to go in boxes - it makes thinking about them simpler. Not neccessarily more joyful, though.

I have one relationship currently that has romance starting to creep in. I'm happy to watch that happen, enjoy it, and not get ahead of myself like I have in the past. I've enjoyed what's come before this so very much, and I don't want to put pressure on it to be something it's not. I want to see what it will become.

I think I'm starting to get back to my old happy self from before the drama-fountain, with some new insights to take to my next challenges. I've still got a lot of stuff to work through, but right now I'm happy. Except for the headache and sore throat, but I'm going to go to sleep soon, and that will be a happy time. Mornings are always the hardest - by evening I can usually adjust to what the day has thrown at me, unless the evening throws more.
Tags: ill, polyamory, relationships
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