manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

TamerTerra

there is less room for deviance in deviance, than in any other human endeavor

To make a post not about drama...
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
There was larp today, and it was awesome larp. Team AcatsAcatsAcats (now with the return of Sheska!) (we need a new name) finally had a payday, and then got to roleplay around being possibly-horribly-cursed. And used our signs! And all the other stuff that was earlier in the evening that I can't remember very well because it happened longer ago and I'm tired.

Also, it took a while for me to shift out from under the sadness-cloud from earlier (it took me until half five to get out of bed), but roleplaying is a very good way to shift that. I came to the session holding Alex's hand and barely putting one foot in front of the other and focussing on very few faces and mostly enduring the player room full of humans by diving on Dave or Alex or Kate or Dave or Bry for hugs when I started feeling overwhelmed, and then going back to doing things when I was calmer.

I don't remember much of the first part of the session because of that - I remember there was story-time and some Luxantine angst and treasure-hoarding and 'hey, look at this awesome thing I found!' (one of my favourite things to do in AoI bar sessions when things are getting slow is to have a phys-rep of something to wave at people and ask what they think of it and what they would do if they had it, and then give it away when I've exhausted the fun of that. I did it with my starting acats, I did it with the phlogeston, and today I did it with the crystal skull.) I think there might have also been politicking? Who knows. Acats!

(Or decats, now. Hee. Hmm, there was the Four Acats - do we now have the Three Decats?)

And now I am home and attempted to make onion bahjis rather than have takeaway at froth, but misremembered the recipe and put in eggs instead of extra water, so those are going to be weird when I get them out in a minute. Hope they're still edible - they'll probably be quite dry...

Edited to add: Om nom bahjis in cake mode!

A second chance.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Things can never go back to 'the way that they were'. Life is a story with conflicts and resolutions and character development, and returning to a previous point in the story would be unsatisfying. There will be times which echo the earlier times - but they'll be echoes and chimes and notes that are ringing out in their own time, with new significance and complexity and layered meaning from the history that they call to.

Things won't be the same. Hopefully they'll be better, with favourite notes and chords and chimes being repeated in the new movement without becoming stale or jarring or attempting to be the old piece of story.

The hero's journey involves a period of descending into darkness, being trapped in darkness, becoming lost and disentangled from what came before before being reborn better and stronger and wiser. I hope that this new movement of song and story will echo that idea and come out from this period of strife better and wiser and with a sense of what will happen next - but of course, the rebirth is not an event, but a process, a climb out of the darkness, and it must be seen to its end before one may see what has emerged.

We are still in the dark, becoming. But it is now a concealing darkness that allows possibilities - form is not burned by the light to be what it is, but can grow and change and become without seeming grotesque.

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Still fairly blank in the emotions-sense, but Alex has made me some tea and I am looking forward to seeing people tonight. There shall be sweet potato. I like sweet potato. There shall be chatting and hugs. I like chatting and hugs.

And there will be sleeping in my own bed rather than on the floor, because even if I can't manage to sort out the sheets, I can have help in sorting them out. When you have a king-size duvet to wrangle, it can seem like a completely uncomprehendable task, especially when your brain is putting most of its RAM into emotions:sorting.

Me and Alex have been together for two years now. I am glad of this. We've gone from 'I just got out of a super-intense long-distance relationship, so this is entirely casual and I am not your girlfriend and if anyone says I am I shall berate them at length!' (ha) to cooking most of our meals together and it being entirely natural to go weeks without spending a night apart, through learning to talk about boundaries and wants and expectations and changes, signing the contract to move in together (and be jointly responsible for the rent and bills rather than having set shares) but spending two months trying to scrape together the spoons and time to get some furniture and actually move back in, and various other people coming in and out of our lives.

I love Alex. We've settled into a very comfortable sort of relationship now, but it's good and stable (though there'll be changes again when he graduates) and makes me very happy.

People who make one happy are in short supply sometimes. It's good to have some that stick around and that you can make happy right back. My feelings might be a bit muted right now because I'm too tired to feel them, but I am very, very glad for the people around me who are awesome and do things which make me happy. I hope to return the favour when I'm less walking around in a daze. :)

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
One of the lights in shining into my eyes. I'm stumbled and felt and been led, but in this confusion it feels like what's under my feet might be cracking. If I could just regain my night-vision... But I wobble and duck and weave, but the light is still in my eyes. What do I do now? I was resting, being helped along by helpful hands and careful words slowly in the dark, but now I've been found and it's too bright!

Ack! *hiding*

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
I've run out of words. Not sure how/if I'm going to manage larping this evening.

I spent the last four hours unmoving except for my thumbs on my phone. Too much sadness. Wanting to work things out. Knowing that it's out of my hands in the bad way. Numb. Seriously wanting to close my eyes just one more time, but not being able to move further than that anyway.

I've gotten up, briefly. I've made tea. I've taken my meds, as much good as they do. Now I'm sitting down again, staring off. Knowing that I usually write when I feel, but now I am not feeling anything at all and so what would I write? Feeling that it might be wrong to write. Feeling like I might disappear if I don't. Keeping this draft open and not pressing send because while I'm writing my thoughts as they come, I'm not keeping them in my mind, and I'm not letting them wander.

So tired. Blinking cursor. What to write next?

I don't have a story right now. My- I can barely type it, the name for the story that begins when you awake into conciousness sometime in childhood and ends when you die- that seems broken, unhinged, derailed. I am nothing but the words I can write now with these fingers on this page, because elsewhere there is just chasm. Abyss, even. An absence of words. Perhaps that's why music has been appealing to me so much in the fragments of excerpts of story that have come before this writing - it is strummed or picked or hammered, and rings out, and is gone. Once it is gone it may as well have only been imagined, though can a mind invent such a thing that it has never heard? Perhaps it was heard in another story, a story that was not this broken one, but someone else's somewhere else.

The memory is real, I think. The fragments and excerpts and old forgotten volumes lying dusty on a shelf or in a box under more dust, they contain words that I wrote at different times, but different times in this story. I can't find the connection, but they were real. And they were mine.

Must I keep writing? I think I might exist. I think that there might be paths over the dark and quiet chasm to find the points of light and places where my story comes together, but I shall have to feel my way. The paths are unlit, and though a passing light may cast enough brightness for the path to reflect a little and be seen - yes, I think I see a glimmer not too far from my feet! - mostly they are of the same quiet darkness, that suddenly seems more restful than frightening. I can take my time here, I think - whatever it is that my feet rest on will not decend too quickly while I rest, though I may from time to time be restless enough to think I might jump out into the darkness and fall.

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Just to clear things up: Feeling angry/helpless when I think of something that someone did to hurt me (or without caring whether they'd hurt me), and not trusting them anymore, doesn't mean I hate them. If I was going to turn all that energy I was pouring into trying to fix things into hating them instead, well, I'd rather just keep being a hopeless love-puppy, because that bitter twisty yuck feeling is not something I want to feel for very long - anger can be a cleansing flame, but if it burns too long when you don't need it to, you just end up with some blobby melted wax all over the place and no wick left to light when you need it again. The bitter-yuck feeling is like the melted wax that drowns your triumphant flame - and it really ruins one's appetite.

Things are pretty good right now. I'm content with the note that I left the getting-cheated-on-and-left-for-someone-else situation on, and I think that getting some distance and let letting go (of the super-intense, desperate, want-me feelings and the hurt) happen in its own good time (another link to Captain Awkward's Golden Retriever of Love post) is the best thing to do now with that. There are other people who want to spend time with me, want to make me happy, and so far as I know none of those other people want to fuck me over at the same time. I'm going to concentrate on making the time that other people spend with me as pleasant for them (well, both of us!) as possible - yeah, sometimes I'm going to get sad and want to talk about it, but that's going to be far from a lot of the time.

And I know that the people who care about me and love me don't mind me being sad sometimes, because it gives them an excuse to make me Sandwiches of Love (or cups-of-tea of love, or gin-and-tonic of love), and I'm not going to hide my feelings - being straightforward about how I'm feeling, even if my answer to 'how are you doing?' ends up being a grimace and a 'so-so' gesture before changing the subject, makes all the feelings a lot less stressful - just to avoid inconveniencing people. If someone finds my having feelings offensive, well, I don't think that their convenience is something I need to worry about.

I have got good and awesome people around me, and I'm going to spend my energy on those people rather than people who don't appreciate it. Also, I want to get to know people that I don't know very well, because there is a high chance of them also being good people.

The only person I can control is myself.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
The only person I can control is myself. The only actions I can make happen or prevent are my own. The only time I can schedule is that which I possess or have been offered.

I think my social rhythm is a bit screwed. Having Saturday, Sunday AND Monday as 'doing things' days is throwing me off - and Sunday has been my anchor for the entire time I've been at York, and Monday is doctor's appointments, so it's going to have to be Saturday's energies that are redistributed. I can do the occiaisonal effort-ful thing - running Monster was totally worth it, and I will be going to the D&D day next weekend even if Dave has to carry me there, but I don't think I can commit to regular Saturday larp any more. It's a shame, because I was enjoying Last Bastion, but when it's come to the last three sessions (including today) my body has just sat me down and said 'No'. Granted, last time I was crying over having been broken up with, but I had been planning to go anyway until I tried to get out of bed and it all hit me like bricks.

Working things out... Planning, how I feel, the purpose of an ultimatum, things I can change.Collapse )

In the meantime, I will scroll back up to that resolution I made earlier - to make the most of what I have, and to take and share and make plans with only what is offered to me. I have other people who want to spend time with me and share affection, and I've been ignoring them to focus on this. That is something that I do have the power to change. :D

FREEDOM!
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
All that drama is now entirely not my problem, at least until the cycle comes back to this point and it explodes everywhere in two to four months. Then there'll be pieces to pick up, because we don't want that sort of thing leaving metaphorical glass stuck in the metaphorical carpet, or metaphorical booze-stains everywhere.

I am a person who practises ethical non-monogamy. (It's called 'practising' because you have to work at it and sometimes it goes wrong, but you get better at it as you go along.) Sex might be a very common passtime for a large number of people, but it's still a thing that requires thought and care to be done safely. Monogamy is a good tool for reducing risk which most people are accustomed to - and I am okay with that being the default for relationships in general. (The more relationships you have at once, the higher your romantic difficulty-level, whatever your natural inclinations.)

Up until a fortnight ago, I was in three sexual relationships. Now I'm in two. The third was good in a number of ways, but with the information I have now I know that it wasn't ethically non-monogamous. When there are more people involved, their sexual well-being - and right to not be potentially exposed to STIs without their knowledge and consent - is something you have to weigh up when you're making safe sex decisions. And that wasn't being considered, and at least one party thought it wasn't important - so I'm severing that connection. I'm angry about the situation that led to this - I think I'm allowed that - but I'm no longer allowing it to have influence over my life.

Well, at least I won't after I've gotten tested again next week, anyway.


To the future!

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
I've got the everything-is-falling-apart feeling again, and I'm trying to hang on until tomorrow lunchtime, while also knowing that putting on too much pressure is more likely than anything else to cause the falling apart. I'm trying to monitor what's making me happy and what's making me sad, and all I've come up with is 'hugs = good' and 'angsting over everything = bad'. So when I come up with things to try that knock the ball into someone else's court, I feel happier for a while.

I will have to start making decisions soon, though- about who I want to be close to me in what ways. I want to explore my options for the ways things can be first, though.

I've also been thinking about the manner and structure of relationship that I want- I think that 'open' doesn't quite describe it. That implies that people come and go freely and casually all the time, and I don't think I want casual things. I want to build things that last in some form. I want to trust the people I'm with and the people that they're with, to have them be important to me and for me to be important to them. I want to have group dinners with everyone - the last time that that happened, it was wonderful, even if the relationship itself didn't last. Then it was a bit like a double-date, though. Hmm, ideas...

I am worried that there isn't going to be much left to salvage when the dust has cleared, but I can hope.

When things are actually less scary than they appear, but your heart won't believe it.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, just a person who is musing about brains and feelings and relationships and how people support one another and how we're all, like, one big family, maaaaaan.

*

A person having sucky feelings does not necessarily mean that Everything Is Awful And Terrifying (though it can do, obviously), but can just mean that their brain is being a jerk right now and that they need to give it time to adjust to the idea that things are not awful and terrifying. One's instincts can go into Awful And Terrifying mode for lots of reasons, and being in an awful and terrifying situation is just one of them.

Sometimes they have been in an Awful/Terrifying situation very recently, or been submerged in Awful/Terrifying memories/stories/warnings, or just had their certainty that things aren't going to take a turn for the Awful/Terrifying shaken away. The instincts that rise up in those situations are designed to keep a person alive in the potential Awful and Terrifying situations- because the concequences for percieving danger when you're safe are generally less dire than the concequences for thinking you're safe when you're in danger.

In the false-alarm-type-situation...Collapse )

TL;DR: 'My brain thinks that everything is awful and terrifying' doesn't neccessarily mean that everything is actually awful and terrifying.

Edited to add: This shouldn't be taken to be in defense of gaslighting- only the person having the emotions gets to decide whether they're actually in an unsafe situation that they don't understand, or whether their brain is just being a jerk. Answering someone who comes to you saying that they're having the sucky-feelings with 'are you sure your brain isn't just being a jerk' is more than a bit dickish. This is about the situation when your brain is saying 'alarm!' when there isn't anything tangible to react to, not the situation where 'fix the solution' is a possible response.

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Me yesterday: "This last month was pretty much troubleshooting, and when we finally resorted to turning it off and turning it back on again, the screen didn't light up."

I think there might be a loose cable somewhere.

This is all very confusing. More information gained yesterday evening and it's harder to be sure of how to move forward now. Need hugs.

A more practical problem with being crazy... [Post is public, comments are screened.]
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
...is knowing when a particular problem is a result of being crazy or a result of something real that needs to change.


I am aware of a problem that I need to resolve. It is a complicated problem involving multiple people, and the longer I leave it unresolved, the unhappier about it I'm going to get. However, I also can't rush it, because people don't work like that. I could try to remove myself from the problem, but the problem is entangled with other components which I do enjoy, and that would make me sad.

It's complicated from my point of view mostly because I don't have all that much influence on the problem directly, and people who have more direct access have their hands full with other problems. There is also the consideration that however easy it would be for someone else to solve the problem, one person cannot make another do things. I cannot solve the problem alone, so actions I can take include personal actions to minimise the effect of the problem on me, and encouraging a person with better access to the problem to make solving it a bigger priority. I don't want to remove myself from the situation as a whole, but I should bear it in mind as a possibility for if it becomes worse for me, and consider at what point the bad of the problem outweighs the good of the situation as a whole.

I can only take action using my own self, and my feelings are not neccessarily meaningful to other people. There are people who find my feelings significant, and I can talk about my feelings with them, but they only have the words I use to express my feelings to determine what my feelings are, and I have their words and actions to understand them by. This is a problem involving people, who are complicated and have their own thoughts about the problem that they don't neccessarily want to share.

I should keep these things in mind when interacting with the problem and people who can influence it, and when attempting to resolve it.

Getting better
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Health blah - if you know anything about my health you know vaguely what I'm warning for, plus delving into nutrional content of foodstuff.Collapse )

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Okay, feeling sad and conflicted doesn't mean that I should stay curled up outside the covers with the internet. Combined with the fact that it's nearly four in the morning, it means I should brush my teeth and go to bed properly.

And maybe when I've posted this, it'll be like saying it decisively, and I'll actually do it.

People are complicated.

I was pretty crap at the doctor's today.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
TW: suicide, medsCollapse )

Urgh.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Getting a tracked comment-update because a bot posted spam on a really, really old drama-post. Urgh.

While I'm here- there was Christmas and it was awesome! Also awesomely tiring. There have been so many days spent almost entirely in bed/sleeping- having Bry stay over was a really good idea, because having another person here means that proper cooking is a lot more likely to happen in the evening. I don't want my guest to go hungry! I also ordered more food yesterday as well- cooking can always happen because I keep enough dried food (rice, soya mince, lentils, also tins and frozen peas and spices) in the house to make sure of it (since the days before grocery deliveries when I would run out of spoons and then not be able to go out and buy things to eat), but after the huge tray of roast veg for lunch yesterday we were out of potatoes. And potatoes make everything better.

I think I'm feeling recovered enough to get back to my usual routine of resting and socialising and Doing Stuff- I'd best start on that soon. I rather fancy a walk of some kind.

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Slightly unfortuanately, I seem to have trained myself to imagine all larp gods as being phys-repped by the Shattered Legacies refs. This is going to make writing downtimes for Monster a bit awkward...

Speaking of such: Monster LARP downtime deadline is Monday noon (I think we said Sunday in the email, but the meeting'll be in the afternoon, and technically 'before the meeting' is when we want them), so any players who want to submit a downtime need to do so by then. And I hope that that's all of the players, because I'm already looking forward to writing responses to the ones we've got already! Also, if any prospective players want to submit a backstory, the earlier the better for that, as well.
Tags: ,

Empire pre-froth!
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
The Empire facebook group is talking about concecrated shrines/auras and how to get information about the effects of the aura into the minds of the players who walk into it. In PD's old system, this was done with a giant lammie stapled to the door which you had to read. Someone on the facebook group suggested making it a default assumption that an area obviously set-dressed as a shrine would be concecrated as such, which made me start thinking THOUGHTS again.

Read more...Collapse )

And now I shall stop writing, because food! has arrived at my house, and I should probably start cooking it. Sadly, that food does not include wheat-free mince pies, which were the bit I really wanted. Lots of Brandy Butter, though!

Pre-preparing scripts to deal with difficult situations.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
I started thinking about this properly, rather than leaving the phrases I could say during a funny turn at 'factory default settings' (that is, self depreciating nonsense), after encountering Captain Awkward's blog and The Pervocracy and reading a lot. Both of those blogs advocate thinking of what you're going to say when an inevitable situation arises so that you can articulate your feelings better and resolve a situation more effectively. I haven't had cause to prepare a script for emotional stuff, but for disability stuff, I've found it very useful!


When dealing with people in authority/busy people/impatient people/people who haven't yet realised that I need them to stop doing a particular thing and are still doing it, I can get quite distressed and find myself shutting down. I've learned a lot about myself over the last four years, and can identify the warning signs pretty reliably- and then I have a very small window of time to adjust the situation enough that I can ride it through comfortably, and in that time, I generally don't have enough spare cognitive power to make a plan.

The solution? To make the plan in advance! Depending on the situation and how 'out' I am to whoever I'm interacting with, I've got some pre-prepared phrases that I can pull out if I feel myself starting to tip over.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said.Collapse )

TL;DR: Essentially, sometimes situations arise that have to be responded to quickly to prevent spiralling, but the situation itself makes that more difficult. I find that pre-prepared verbal scripts help, though I've also at times resorted to writing an explaination on paper if my verbal powers have already left me. If I was more organised, or was less good at quick verbalisations, carrying flashcards with frequently-required messages might be useful.

I hope that this is helpful to anyone out there!

(no subject)
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?
tamerterra
Okay, remember how I've really really needed an appointment with my doctor to get my everything sorted out? Turns out that I had an appointment last week, but there wasn't the standard text-message-the-day-before, and I missed it. I thought it was sometime next week, and it was only from realising that I didn't have all that much medicine left that made me ring up the health centre and check that I had one next week.

I've got sufficient to last me until Tuesday, and apparently if I go in on Monday to request a repeat then they'll have it ready for Wednesday, which would mean not missing any.

But, I still need something tweaked pretty seriously, and a repeat perscription won't do that thing. Maybe I should write a letter to my doctor? That's worked before. I get very deferential when I'm physically at the doctor's, because I know that their opinion of me determines whether I get any help at all, and so it's really hard for me to say 'No, seriously, this thing is a serious problem that is effecting my ability to cope'. I just end up saying 'this is a problem' and then let them change the subject or dismiss it or go 'you're doing this other unrelated thing, so everything is fine' because I don't want to seem like I'm asking them for anything or expecting anything or being pushy.


Project staying-alive is currently experiencing turbulance, and it's probably going to get worse.



*In other news, the receptionists still get audibly frustrated and snappish when they're talking to disabled people. Which okay, I get that having someone repeating themselves unneccessarily or needing you to speak slowly so they can understand your words might be a bit taxing, but maybe don't take it out on the person on the other end of the phone who is not only having more difficultly with the conversation than you are, but is also afraid that they're going to go without their medicine (which then makes doing the phone-conversation thing even more difficult)?

?

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