( Collapse )
I seriously am feeling a lot better these days. I don't know if it's that my health is actually being managed properly now and that my medicine is at an effective dosage, cutting down on existential angst by having a relationship that makes me feel secure and saying 'screw it' to the idea that I need to justify my presence on the planet, or a combination, but-( Collapse )
It shouldn't have gotten to that point. I was being monitored, being seen once a month and asked questions and sent on my way with the same perscription because everything was 'pretty much the same, tired all the time, skin-picking, yeah'. I'd forgotten what it was like to *not* have constant low-level depression running alongside everything else about life, and so I didn't have the words or experience to describe my symptoms because I didn't have a 'normal' baseline to separate them from - I would descibe my capabilities, knowing that I should be able to do more and hoping that the doctor would be able to identify the problem, hoping he'd do something other than shrug when I asked what was wrong with me, but that never happened. My bloodwork was normal, after all.
Now I have something to draw on when talking about how I feel. It's been amazing - so much of that energy suck is just *gone*. I'm still counting spoons, but if I over-extend myself (as we all do, occaisionally), I recover rather that spiralling. I'm volunteering for a charity. I'm making plans for the future, and making decisions that will define my life, because suddenly, I can
- there isn't a mire of brain-yuck oozing over my feelings and thoughts and desires weighing them down and making them look unachievable. I don't feel like I have to justify my existance before I can start living my life the way I want to.
I didn't even realise that I had
felt that way until I didn't any more.
I learned and experienced a lot over the last five years due to being sick. I'm still angry that I had to. And it's a new feeling, to feel justified in being angry about an injustice done to me
, rather than just afraid and resigned to it happening over and over again. But. I don't deserve to put up with bad treatment from the system. I don't deserve to put up with bad treatment from the system.I don't deserve to put up with bad treatment from the system.
And neither do you.