manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

Public service announcement:

Please don't refer to me by my IRL name on here. It weirds me out, and I don't like it. It's fine to refer to me by it when telling IRL anecdotes, but please not attaching it to my username?

I know it can be worked out from not-much sleuthing, but that's rather so that anyone I do know and like can find me easily, whereas googling my name wouldn't turn me up instantly.

If you do want to use a first name, rather than tamerterra, then 'Tamar' is what I've been using for however many years I've been on LJ.
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manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

"To do" List:

Bake bread (of spelt and yeast)
Touch up paint on bird-face mask
Sew Dave's jacket even more
Pack my own larp kit, as well as the jacket, mask, and facepaint
Do Dressmaking homework
Turn freshly baked bread into sandwiches
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

Age Of IRON! First event!

Turns out, I spent the entire event downstating myself - one less armour point than my character sheet says, and I also added 'lesser' to one of my offensive spells (thus making it affect less monsters) that needen't have been there. Oops! Conversely, another spell I was certain that I had is missing from my character sheet, so maybe the flange there evens out. Double-oops?

High-points: Screaming "I DON'T CARE!" at Septimus and Andromar at the climax of the Sunday-morning battle in response to their worrying that a course of action might have certain effects;

The entire mission and going in three times and cultural misunderstandings with the Owl-Cave That Wasn't;

The Night-Mission to go and light the Beacon (not Bacon) on the Friday night, and how organised we could be, even for adventurers, when we knew that if we fucked up too badly, we would all die. And then setting things on fire with my hands, which is kinda Sin'ba's stick*.

And now I've gotten back, and it's a couple of days later, and I don't have an awesome job that I was really hoping for, but I do now have a signed tenancy agreement and enough funds to eat lazily until we've recovered.

*It's funny because it's a pun on 'schtick', and also Sin'ba has a stick that sets things on fire.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?


It occurs to me that I haven't posted on here about it, but I'm engaged to marry Dave. He proposed in the Dalby Forest after we'd had a picnic in the woods, I said yes and made involuntary happy noises even though I was pretend-surprised, and then we nearly got run over by a guy on a bike. The next few weeks were spent grinning at each other constantly and calling each other 'my fianceé/e' and 'my future husband/wife/spouse'.

And when we got back to York I got down on one knee with a seven-inch-thick two-hundred-year-old Family Bible (with colour illustrations, explainatory notes and Concordance) that I'd found in a charity shop (and bought saying that it was an engagement-present level object) and proposed back to him. He said yes, as well!

The plan currently is to marry next summer, when we can scrape together most of our families and get them to be in the same place as our friends.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

(no subject)

There's annoying neighbours, and then there's annoying neighbours with an incredibly loud motorbike that they keep parking outside my front window. Over and over again, in the space of twenty minutes or so. Rargh.

Life has been very good lately. Volunteering has been really awesome, and I'm really enjoying it and seem to have learnt my way around the shop well enough to be able to explain things to our newest new dude. (Though I've noticed an odd trend in that the people sent to us by the job centre, despite their incredibly different personalities, all have the same style of incredibly unflattering trousers, which is very strange. I wonder if they send people to work in charity shops in the hope that they pick up some better trousers for cheap?) I like being on the till and being cheerful at people and seeing some of them visibly perk up when they're wished a good afternoon, and I like alphabetising the bookcase and finding more books that go with the other ones in the GiftAid box to put out (tip to anyone who donates to charity shops - if you are a taxpayer, make sure that it's flagged/registered as a GiftAid donation, because it's so much better for the shop).

I'm going to try to get onto a First Aid course if possible - being officially a volunteer means that it'll be free, and, of course, I'm trying to improve myself as much as possible through self-work. Now that I'm a University dropout, I can cast about to find a new path for myself that comes from finding my passions, rather than just following the prescribed default of school->6th form->university->graduate program->career. I'm not a graduate, I'm not going to be a graduate; I get to decide for myself what to do with my life, built on real certainties rather than imagined ones.

My relationship with Dave is amazing and makes me really, very, incredibly happy. I have regrets about the events that led to my other relationships dying, but Dave has supported me steadfastly through all of that angst and drama and conflict and sadness, and he's a keeper. Having someone that I can rely on like him is so incredibly steadying and freeing and wonderful that I don't need to look anywhere else for it, so I'm not going to. Having only one person to turn to with regard to intimate stuff isn't terrifying or unhealthy when that one person actually does have your back.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

Bodies and Food.

Probably the least offensive sort of ill is the sort of ill that makes you feel incredibly hungry (but at the same time, sort of queasy, possibly due to how hungry you are). I've had three 'meals' so far today, and Dave's cooking another one (for the three of us, this time) now. Also, very very tired, in the 'can't follow a sentence without trying way more than usual' sort of way. Brain tired.

Probably I'm just lacking some nutrient or other and my body is sort of going 'ha, ha, I know the proceedure for this!' and making me crave All The Things like when I was iron deficient (I actually had dreams about eating and cooking steak and dark chocolate and brocolli, sometimes all together) until it works out what food helps most, and then I'll just keep craving more of that thing. Or I could have accidentally ingested some wheat recently, and my body might be trying to work out what the fuck that was.

So far I've had pasta with cheese and pepper, and then some curried mackeral and crackers from my larp-event stash. I'm looking forward to lentils and mashed potato soon...
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

(no subject)

Successes of the day: going outdoors to read a book, doing a couple of 20/10s of Unfucking My Habitat (there was a lot of stuff that just needed to be in different places), the washing up, locating almost all of the sewing things ready to pack up. Also, wearing a dress. Now I just need to keep Doing Things, and there will be convention soon!

Also located some lovely purple faux-satin (I think), and really want to construct something soft and pretty from it...
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

More volunteering! ...and a rant.

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I seriously am feeling a lot better these days. I don't know if it's that my health is actually being managed properly now and that my medicine is at an effective dosage, cutting down on existential angst by having a relationship that makes me feel secure and saying 'screw it' to the idea that I need to justify my presence on the planet, or a combination, but-

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It shouldn't have gotten to that point. I was being monitored, being seen once a month and asked questions and sent on my way with the same perscription because everything was 'pretty much the same, tired all the time, skin-picking, yeah'. I'd forgotten what it was like to *not* have constant low-level depression running alongside everything else about life, and so I didn't have the words or experience to describe my symptoms because I didn't have a 'normal' baseline to separate them from - I would descibe my capabilities, knowing that I should be able to do more and hoping that the doctor would be able to identify the problem, hoping he'd do something other than shrug when I asked what was wrong with me, but that never happened. My bloodwork was normal, after all.

Now I have something to draw on when talking about how I feel. It's been amazing - so much of that energy suck is just *gone*. I'm still counting spoons, but if I over-extend myself (as we all do, occaisionally), I recover rather that spiralling. I'm volunteering for a charity. I'm making plans for the future, and making decisions that will define my life, because suddenly, I can - there isn't a mire of brain-yuck oozing over my feelings and thoughts and desires weighing them down and making them look unachievable. I don't feel like I have to justify my existance before I can start living my life the way I want to. I didn't even realise that I had felt that way until I didn't any more.

I learned and experienced a lot over the last five years due to being sick. I'm still angry that I had to. And it's a new feeling, to feel justified in being angry about an injustice done to me, rather than just afraid and resigned to it happening over and over again. But. I don't deserve to put up with bad treatment from the system. I don't deserve to put up with bad treatment from the system.

I don't deserve to put up with bad treatment from the system.

And neither do you.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

Interaction with Humans - changing patterns

There is a tendency to work from models built on assumptions and expectations when dealing with chaotic, many-variable, complicated systems like humans. That's not a controversial statement - people tend to interact with what they expect you to be doing rather than what you might actually be doing, and are often surprised when they notice the disparity, because that's part of how human minds make things easier for themselves.

In getting to know another human, one observes their patterns of behaviour until one thinks they know what to expect from the new human. If you become close to the new human, you keep paying attention to their patterns, and notice when they change, and ask them about their changes and their reasons for the changing, and discuss the observable things and sometimes non-observable things that happen inside their minds. Sometimes humans make statements about their changes in behaviour, and then other humans can observe what the speaking human wants them to think about their new behaviour, and add that to their own observations.

Sometimes the changes in behaviour are subtle, or involve not doing particular things rather than doing different things, and both of those sorts of things can be easily overlooked, or it can be assumed that the behaviour is continuing but out of sight of the observer rather than ceasing altogether. After all, once one has observed a human enough, one assumes that one knows their patterns, and that those patterns will continue whether one is still observing or not.

A long time after the change in behaviour, observers may realise that they have not observed behaviour that they expected for a while. Only a short time afterwards, they may assume that any deviation from their expectations is a fluke, but after a long time of consistent behaviour, their expectations of the human's behaviour will change, slowly, sometimes even so slowly that the observer doesn't even notice the changes in expectation - one day, they will be interacting with the human, and the human will be behaving in the way that they expect, and the way that they expect the human to behave is different than it was a year before.

Perceptions don't change in a week, unless large, obvious events force shifts in perception or re-evaluations of expectation. And of course, shifts to better regard a human are slower than to unfavourably regard them, as human minds tend to protecting themselves and retaining an unfavourable opinion counter to new observations ('that positive behaviour was probably a fluke') is less likely to result in harm to the opinion-holder than retaining a favourable opinion counter to new observations ('the human was observed performing a negative behaviour, indicating that the human performs negative behaviours').

Contrition, repentance, or shame following negative or harmful actions also effects the perception of observers - 'I wish I hadn't done that' or 'I shouldn't have done that' rather than 'I wish you hadn't seen that' or 'I wish you weren't reacting to my actions in this way' indicates that the human being observed regards their behaviour as out-of-character for them, or out-of-character for the character that they are striving to achieve - and that information is relevant to how the behaviour should be weighed in expectations of the human's future actions. A human that responds to criticism with denial or anger will be regarded less favourably by observers than a human that responds to criticism with consideration or understanding.
manipulative gal, What WOULD Dyris Do?

On Contraception

I want to title this post as 'girly-talk' but I think that that's part of the cultural problem I'm talking about - talking about contraception should not be a 'girly-talk' subject. Also, there's the infections side of using/not-using condoms, but I don't have any experience of being in a situation where one partner knows that they have an infection, whereas pretty much all of my sexual relationships have been potentially fertile.

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What are other people's experiences with this? I'm usually loathe to ascribe attitude differences in attitude to sex, but I do think that people are socialised differently depending on what society expects them to do with their reproductive bits, and it is obvious that there are different risks depending on what you're using.