TamerTerra (tamerterra) wrote,

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Status update.

Still having Feelings, but trying not to let my angsting bleed over onto my other relationships too much. Not sure what to think about the fact that he's definitely not going to ask me back again, except that it makes things a lot simpler but also a lot sadder. I mean, there's been a lot of jerk-ish stuff lately, but also mitigating circumstances and happy stuff before that was an issue, and I was hoping that when that got better than everything else would too. Not to be. Ah well.

(Having different views of the longevity of the relationship was definitely a thing that drew out the drama, even if it didn't effect the outcome - I was treating it as a relationship with enough commitment and security that it was worth working on it during tough times, whereas he wasn't. It made us happy when it was good, but clearly it didn't make him happy enough to stick with when things were bad and there was a prospect of something different. Even when things were bad I thought he wanted me and to put the effort in when he was able, but.. Gah, I'm just making myself sad again now.)

Usual steps: Look at what I do have, and make the most of that. I've got two awesome people who say they love me in the romantic sense, and more in the chosen-family/friendship sense. I don't know what's going to happen in my romantic life now, but it does occur to me that starting relationships with sex as a focus is maybe not the best way to find someone to build a life with, and that it probably doesn't help with my insecurity that people only want me around for sex (which is rearing its head hardcore in the aftermath of all this). I mean, sex is important, and of course I want to have The Good Sex (TM) with whoever I end up staying with for the long run, but maybe I ought focus on the other stuff more first.

(There seems to be a bias towards being a straight childfree atheist in the people who are attracted to me, which is kind of disheartening as a spiritually focussed queer heathen who wants to have kids before she's middle-aged.)

I still want to move slowly with stuff right now - I'm not sure I could deal with more upheaval in my immediate circle after all the recent stuff. I am proud of myself for not flinging away what I'd built so far just because a guy was being insecure and indecisive, though. Just having one partner would be a bit terrifying - I'm scared of being too clingy and too needy, especially since accepting that I'm disabled, and being able to spread the pressure when one person is under too much strain means that I'm less likely to run away or try to withdraw from life to try to stop being a burden.

(Unfortunately right now pretty much my entire support network, including me, has either The Lurgy - which stops a person from breathing properly - or concussion, so I'm having to do my own caring. I can still cook for people, though, and doing that while surrounded by lurgy-zombies on folding chairs is good for distracting me from my own worries.)

Went to the shops today while it was still light, then made some tea and got out my dulcimer, but can't seem to make sounds that I like. Capoing it into a minor mode might help - the default is Mixolodian (Day), and maybe that's just too cheery for me right now. Luckily, Aolian (Winter) is easily capoable, as it's just on the first fret.
Tags: relationships
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